“I thought I wouldn't get caught.”

- standard male apology

Sext:

“My tokens are very fungible…”

Presidential attacks on black women are up an astounding 800% since last January.

If there's a festival that's more fun to say than "Diwali," I'd sure like to know it.

Another day, another reminder that idiots have doomed us.

A lot of self-referential tweets are about me.

Completely missing the point has become an art form.

Missed connection:

We both reached for the only ripe mango in the produce aisle. You kicked me in the shin and ran away yelling “Sucker!”

If I get home and there's no Amazon package, I assume I'm at the wrong house.

I do the entire “You complete me speech” from “Jerry Maguire” every time I come home, and my dog seems to love it.

GROUND CONTROL: This is Ground Control to Major Tom...

MAJOR TOM: Can't you just send a text like every normal person???

War crimes don't count if you're nice, guys.