Relax, it makes the tension even more delicious.

Same, autumn leaf falling somberly from tree. Same…

Pamper yourself by hating one extra thing today.

I worry that some of you will turn into bats and fly away after Halloween.

They will always find a “her” to try and “lock up.”

She will always be stronger and better than them.

I tried a new sleep aid last night called "listening to someone talk about their relationship." Put me right out.

Hey gorgeous.

(talking to my breakfast sandwich)

<getting murdered>

Can we do this in better lighting?

The problem with idiots commanding too much of your attention is exactly that.

THEM: How are you?

ME: You a cop?

[interview]

ME: Here's my professional resume...

INTERVIEWER: Very nice...

ME: And here's my UNprofessional resume...

INTERVIEWER: SWEET JESUS! ...read more

Baby talk= No. Just... no.