Looks like we're going to attack climate change with nuclear weapons. It's a bold strategy.

I would be very confused if I woke up to a non-horrifying world.

“But you're rich” is one of the dumber responses to professional athletes protesting injustice.

Coffee isn't love.

It's so much better.

You know you've made it when everyone who formerly loved you hates you.

When saying the "One Nation under God" part of the pledge of allegiance, I picture either Michael Jordan, Taraji P. Henson or David Lee Roth

One charade, coming up...

“Sure, Kanye” is my new variation of “Sure, Jan” for when people say something they think is smart, groundbreaking and edgy, but is in reality moronic, ignorant and pointless.

Since America can no longer lead, hoping another country can swoop in and be all “We got this”

I want self-driving cars, self tanner, selfies, self service, selflessness, self checkout, and better self esteem.

“Crumb at me bro”

- aggressive coffee cake bakers

A friend will ignore your most paintful typos.