I find your lack of faith intoxicating

Hey people who fool animals with magic tricks or fake throwing something:

Bet you feel like a big man.

The current president took part of our lives away due to incompetence, hatred, bigotry, and stupidity.

Still “undecided”?

There's nothing sexier than someone desperately trying too hard.

Sometimes I feel like you're quarantining AT me, not WITH me.

If the ONLY thing Obama did wrong was appoint Scott Pruitt to the EPA, it would have been a constant story on state run media 24/7 for eight years.

If I was the Dali Lama, I'd put out a podcast every day called “The Daily Lama”

Yes, my good barkeep, I'll have your finest funky cold medina please.

Laying low so as to not get cancelled

Just finished a 30 paragraph Yelp! review of a pizza that was just ok.

We have one rule in this house: Don't rip a hole in the space-time continuum.