“This wasn't worth it.”

- thought bubble of people who show up to the Halloween party in extremely complicated costumes after about 10 minutes

There is no better way to experience a new city for one night than by never leaving your hotel room.

BUT HIS SON'S NEPHEW'S FRIEND'S MOTHER'S EMAILS!!!

Stop treating each other like people.

Treat each other like adorable baby animals.

If two celebrities with histories of breakups and cheating can't stay together, who can?

The people telling you not to get vaccinated are vaccinated. This gives away the game, no?

Movie Law:

In every biopic about a rock band, at the first performance, the singer's microphone has to not work and then it has to either turn on and produce a lot of feedback or turn on while the singer is cursing, and the drummer has to knock over at least a cymbal.

Co-EQUAL branches of government, idiots

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I did not have sexual intercourse or anything close to sexual intercourse in high school or for many years after?

Shhhhhhhh... their hashtags can't hurt you any more...

Every day, another fond childhood memory reduced to unrecognizable sludge.

There is nothing in the UFC rules about tickling.