Sign up for my leadership conference. You show up, and no one comes to the podium. Ever. Get it? Send me $995 now.
Grade school kids would actually be safer playing college football.
If I felt like a room without a roof, the last thing I would do is clap along. I’d go straight to the emergency room.
🎶LET’S HEAR IT FOR NEW YOOOOORK [steps on rat]
I don’t think celebrities should have to wash, ever. That’s one of the perks.
Movie pitch:
“Freaky Friday” but it’s two people who are relatively interchangeable.