Co-Worker Two-Step

1. Use up personal and sick days for no good reason

2. Be forced to come in when actually deathly ill in order to make everyone else sick ...read more

If you're ever walking down the street and someone in front of you is vaping, move to another city.

I retweet a lot, and cringe every time I forget to hit “Mute conversation,” because no one knows how to use this god forsaken app.

THEM: Would you like to-

ME: I'm busy and/or not interested.

There is nothing- NOTHING- more critical than posting what teachers your kids have on Facebook. So get on it!

The ocean really doesn't want us in it.

ME: Hello?

DISGUISED ROBOT VOICE: We have kidnapped your family. If you ever want to see them... hello? Did you just hang up? Hello?

Be patient with people, even if it means possibly talking to them for more than 30 seconds.

I'm just an enchanted bridge troll. Standing in front of a girl. Asking her to solve my riddles three.

Whoever the hell I am, I just want to say, thanks. To me.

More rock. Less paper and scissors.

With all the black and blood, and the occasional skull, who wouldn't want to date a goth?