There are two kinds of people:

1. Those who don't answer rhetorical questions.
2. I wonder who the other kind are?

Be the reason no one does anything ever.

If you were hired to play someone completely out of control and did an exact impression of Don Jr, the director would force you to tone it down for believability.

Never trust a guy with defibrillators and lots of time on his hands.

I will be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble, 555 5th Ave, New York, NY 10017, starting at 5pm.

(To be clear, I didn't write a book or anything. I just like signing them.)

THEM: What did you think?

ME: About your stupid idea? Not bad.

There is no “best” tweet.

There are daily worst tweets.

I can easily tell by the pictures you post of your children which one you love the most.

Headed to NYC this weekend. I really miss the Windy Easy!

This administration's Code of Ethics is clear:

Don't get caught.

Clover tongue people are the best and everyone knows it.

The people who most deserve to be blocked are always the most surprised.