I have never subscribed.

Yet I am constantly unsubscribing.

If you ask me to interpret your dream, I will tell you it means you are going to be murdered the next time you go to sleep.

If I indeed end up in hell, it will likely be for my inexcusable napkin overuse.

I don't have the patience to choose one. I just respond with “Emoji!”

Instead of going through the agony of a breakup talk, just give the person candy corn. They'll get the picture.

*mutes account
*mutes conversation
*mutes feelings
*mutes memories

Wisdom is realizing that you suck, and also that everyone else sucks.

Always unsurprised to see people fucking up a sure thing.