No fatalities from an accidental discharge of a firearm at a NY mall.

However, the NRA has issued a statement assuring that there could have been if the gun owner wanted to open fire, and all 2nd Amendment rights have been preserved.

So, “Kraken” just means some nutjob who is utterly and painfully bad at their job and can't spell?

Conspiracy is not a theory, it's a crime.

every member of the Trump administration should now be considered a flight risk

The CSA is shilling in the name of christ. twitter

[interrogation room]

GOOD COP: Want a cigarette?

PERP: Thanks. Listen, I know you're going for some kind of a good top thing. But what's his story?

*points to guy wedged in corner of ceiling dressed in Ninja costume

GOOD COP: Ninja Cop? Please act like you can't see him. ...read more

Most murderers are convicted because of writing “Totally murdered someone today” on their calendars.

The only reason we’re seeing more and more cases of racism in cops is that we’re doing so much testing!

It must be so annoying when someone is doing copycat murders, and then someone else copies them.

THERAPIST: Think of this as a safe place.

ME: Good. I'll be hiding out here until the heat from a jewel heist blows over.

Once threw a party in the county jail. Those guys did not appreciate an ABBA-themed party at all.

CHIEF: You're a disgrace to the force. Turn in your badge and gun.

ME: Oh, I lost those weeks ago. Been using my gym ID and a supersoaker.