Just gave someone $50 to get the fuck away from me. Would have gone as high as $150. Sucker.

Just never make even the smallest mistake. I don't see what the big deal is.

Remember this conversation?:

THEM: The “Blair Witch” project is terrifying if you think it's real!

ME: Is it real?

THEM: No. ...read more

I have the best exercise equipment to hang laundry on.

Every guy's middle name should be Xavier.

If I could delete your tweets, I would.

Make Aqua's “Barbie Girl” your wedding slow dance.

No one has ever come up with a valid reason not to eat an entire pizza.

Opinion that should be popular:

“Bohemian Rhapsody” was a mediocre movie at best, and should not have won any awards. Imitating someone's Live Aid performance is a Tik Tok, not Oscar-worthy.

I'M ALL HOPPED UP ON TOASTER STRUDEL

“Here's a reminder as to why I am garbage.”

- garbage people, daily

Jurassic Breakfast Nook