To get Mexico to pay for border wall:

Dress in coveralls, say you have a delivery, ask for signature. BOOM! They signed invoice for wall.

I see you ran a comb through your hair today, Your Majesty.

We'll be fine as long as One Direction doesn't break up.

I've limited my drinking to only liquids.

New Olympic sports:

- stress eating
- seething
- avoiding people ...read more

A rapper should put an expensive car in their video. Not sure why they never considered trying this.

Last warning: step up your skin care game.

What the hell did people do before “skip intro”???

I'm going to stay safe by never being in a room that anyone ever was, or will ever be, in.

No Hour Apathy Drink™️

Every guy's middle name should be Xavier.

“Here's a reminder as to why I am garbage.”

- garbage people, daily