I really thought that most of my adult problems would involve static cling.

Of course I know Madonna is a badass and legend. This couldn't be helped.

Everyone has that one friend who is probably an alien. If you don't, then you should return to your mother ship.

Amazon called me to check in since I haven't ordered anything for two days.

I really thought that white people would be ecstatic just winning golf tournaments again.

Elevator Pitch:

“Silence of the Lambs” meets “Pretty Woman”

I'll spend my entire time watching a tv show saying “Is that [name of actor I think it is]?” but will only check IMDB after the show is over.

Maybe Joe could trade with someone who has bigger parking lots.

All I can say is thank God Almighty that Steven Seagal is going to heal this broken world.

New X-Men character:

“Reply”

His mutant power is that he can “actually” so hard, it incapacitates the person. ...read more

I retrospect, posting my Social Security number and date of birth as a final fleet was probably a mistake.