People who plan things during the day have no respect for wasting time.

How to write a book about our current politics:

1. Write a few paragraphs about anything happening.
2. Write "This, too, was a lie."
3. Repeat for several chapters
4. Boom: you wrote a book ...read more

Stop coddling morons.

That's pretty much it.

I give up with you people

“If you do not elect me, America will be as horrible as it is because you elected me”?

Call me when they get to “Spider-Man: Home Slice”

I really thought that most of my adult problems would involve static cling.

Of course I know Madonna is a badass and legend. This couldn't be helped.

Everyone has that one friend who is probably an alien. If you don't, then you should return to your mother ship.

Amazon called me to check in since I haven't ordered anything for two days.

I really thought that white people would be ecstatic just winning golf tournaments again.

Elevator Pitch:

“Silence of the Lambs” meets “Pretty Woman”