Never stop loving yourself ๐ค
Continuing on from my last health share ~
With the diagnosis of pudendal neuralgia + hypertonic pelvic floor - pelvic floor dysfunction, I underwent failed treatments that my body rejected & ended up in the ER 5 times to manage the severity of pain before being sent to one more local specialist who ending up placing me on a new medication that helped my body significantly. My pain became manageable. I felt like me again. After months of not knowing myself. No longer loving myself. Hating who I had become due to severity of pain. With the belief that I was better off dead. I saw & felt who I am without the pain.
The immediate feeling of joy was quickly tarnished with distress, loss, & loathing towards myself for how I behaved when in such extreme pain. I caused trauma on my family. Screaming at them. Cursing them. Hating them for making me live when I longed for death scratch that unimaginable desperation for the pain to just end. They were to blame in my head. If I was not so greatly loved then no one would care if I ended it. They prevented me from ending it. I hated them for it. I honestly came close to being hospitalized due to my mental status & being a danger to myself. This greatly impacted my views of suicide. In some cases of suicide I thought of it as a selfish act but this view shifted due to my own experiences as an act of pure desperation. I cried, filled with remorse from my behavior. I begged my family to forgive me. My family told me there was nothing to forgive. They knew the person I had become was not the real me. It was the pain that had taken over me. Pain that would make anyone lose their mind. It was not me. I was not their Tay. I continue to cry over the trauma & how I behaved towards my family even though my family tell me to let it go. But I haven’t been able to. It part of the deep shame I feel within my PTSD that I’m working to heal.
I still have a long road ahead of me in this healing journey as I still continue to suffer from severe pain that on certain days can still leave bedridden. But I have come such a long way.
I’m learning to forgive myself. To heal. To conquer.
Never give up
xxx โ
@nolan.weisser @taylor_munholland @rrawimpact
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