Self Portrait ✨

— medium: acrylics, ink, pastels —

My fam & friends: “Why don’t you share more of your art?”

Me: trying to throwaway the question “I just don’t think about it… I haven’t created anything thing new in a while…” Tries changing the subject.

Pause from fam & friends before saying: “You really should share more of your art Tay… even if it’s your older work. May inspire you to create more & share more… I love your art. Makes me so happy every time I see you share it. Do you realize how talented you are?”

Me: silent or again trying to deflect the conversation.

Fam & friends who knows what I’m truly thinking: “I know you don’t get as many likes on your art as you do your hiking, yoga or health posts… But your art is a huge part of you. A beautiful & incredible part of you. One of my favorite parts of you. You should share it. We all love seeing your work.”

To this day it scares me to share. I know exactly why it does (I will share later on).

But the root of it is I’m scared because creating art of any form & sharing it, is to be vulnerable.

I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling like one of the most personal, raw, naked parts of me (more naked than me sharing actual naked photos of myself) is going to be out on display to be judged.

I know none of you are judging me. If you are judging me you aren’t my people & I shouldn’t give any fucks about what you think. Truly in the end I’m judging myself. I’m comparing my art to other people’s art. I’m belittling myself as an artist. I don’t feel I’m consciously doing it but on a deeper internal level of self, I know I am.

I’m working on healing my damaged artist within. Writing down every time I felt my artist was hurt. Then writing down all the times my artist was celebrated, supported, encouraged, & loved. Interesting how even though I’ve been celebrated more as an artist than hurt, the hurt still outweighs the celebrated. But I’m in the process of healing. Hopefully like the sharing of other parts of my life, which used to make me vomit from anxiety to do so, I will feel at ease & empowered when sharing my art.

Keep rawly self expressing 🤟🏼❤️

xo. #rrawimpact #art #selfexpression
@taymunholland @rrawimpact
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